I am a 42 year old spoiled brat. I can admit it. I like things a certain way. I want things when I want them. I need things to happen in a certain order or it will completely throw me off. I've been like this for some time now. I have been used to getting my way since I was a child. With age, I had to learn that not everything will happen the way I want it to happen. Some things will surely go out of order. I won't agree with everyone/thing nor will everyone/thing agree with me. It's called maturity. Maturity can be a fragile state to live in at times but it's one that we, as adults, must maintain residency in. But as mature as one can be, it doesn't stop vulnerability, which can be an issue. Here's what I mean:
Some days, my emotions are all over the place. Sadness and depression seem to come out of nowhere! Or things will happen that will cause anger, fear, and/or frustration to creep in. I hate it! I like being the chipper one. The one that always has a joke. The one that is always willing to lend a helping hand or a listening ear, or even just a shoulder to cry on. But the other day, it got me! Stupid ol' emotions got the best of me and I just could not shake it! I reached out to a few people (which I absolutely hate doing) and guess what...got nothing! I can laugh now but it sure wasn't funny then. I was so angry that I think I started seeing red! I even had someone tell me "sometimes, you have to just deal with it by yourself!" When I tell you that was a gut wrenching blow! It almost made me want to throw up. And as accurate as the statement may have been, telling someone that while he/she is in a fragile state could have been dangerous and detrimental.
After calming down, I asked myself why or what was causing me to get so angry. I immediately got my answer. When people need me, I'm there! I may not can get to you physically but I'm definitely going to try my best to, if not fix your problem, help you fix it, or at least let you get your emotions out. Even if it's something as small as sitting by your side while you cry it out, fuss it out, or just be in silence. When people come to me with an issue, my empathetic side immediately thinks of ways to solve it or at least console. In my moment of emotional distress, that same energy wasn't being given to me. I even asked myself if this was just a spoiled tantrum I was having or were my feelings warranted. And it made me realize that I needed to be mad at myself for expecting the ME out of other people. I'm one of those people who may not say a lot but I notice a lot. So it hurts, when I see people run to everyone else's aid, be considerate of everyone else's feelings, be the rescuer for everyone else...but me. It's even worse when I watch people treat and talk about others like crap, but get the kindest treatment in return. But such is life, right?
Life taught me a valuable lesson over the past few days, and that was to remember your kindness to others will not always be returned to you. My last blog, "Who Rescues the Rescuer" basically touched on this topic but I guess I was hoping for some sunshine in the response. But instead, I got a loud and clear NOBODY as my answer. It absolutely sucks because I feel like EVERYONE should have "a person". A person that you can call when life is falling apart and they will be there with no questions asked, no judgment, and no conditions. Unfortunately, not everyone will be blessed to have have that person in their life. Does it suck? Absolutely! So, I say this to all of my friends...
If you ever need me, especially when things seem they are too hard to bare, please reach out to me. I will listen to your cries. I will sit with you in silence. I will give advice when requested. I know that I won't always get ME out of people but I will always give you the best ME I can give!
Love you all!
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